Longing for Healing by Theresa Johnson
Sharing the long journey towards healing and wholeness together.
I never imagined how my life would change that early Sunday morning in October 2022. My throat on was on fire. I was weak and dizzy. Fearing the worst, I tore open my home Covid-19 test. Yep. two lines. Positive for Covid. No preaching for me this Sunday morning!
A week quarantined in bed, but I still felt lousy. Coughing, shortness of breath, extreme weakness, and dizziness lingered. Multiple doctors, antibiotics, steroid prescriptions, inhalers, and at least one trip to the ER later, and I still felt like crap weeks later.
Someone at church noticed my feet were bright purple. I felt worse when I was on my feet. For the first time, a doctor said the word “long-Covid.” “Could be some form of dysautonomia, possibly POTS”, he said. Eat tons of salt, wear compression tights, drink lots of water. And you should feel better. Yeah, right.
Still longing for healing
Two years later, and more docs have gaslighted me than I remember. And I’m still choking down salt, wearing every combination of compression wear imaginable, taking meds, and dragging myself to physical therapy multiple times a week.
They say this infuriating condition is permanent. I’ll have to just manage symptoms the rest of my life. There are days when I’ve nearly burst into tears at the sight of someone walking in the park, because I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to stand long enough to enjoy even this simple pleasure.
I may never get back to where I was pre-Covid. Or maybe I will. Who knows? Some days are pretty good. And others are pretty terrible.
So, where do you find healing? Where do you find hope when battling an uncertain long-term condition like dysautonomia?
First, I found an excellent therapist who I meet with as needed. And my faith is always a pillar of strength that I lean on continually.
Small wins for the win
However, there’s one additional way that offers me a bit of emotional healing. And that is finding healing in the small wins.
Small wins are many things. A small win was swallowing my pride and using a wheelchair when needed. I could enjoy preaching and rolling around the sanctuary talking to everyone. I was able to do hospital visits again, something I dearly missed. The chair enabled a fun vacation to D.C. with my husband, who was a real trooper pushing me around. I didn’t see using a wheelchair as a “win” at the time, believe me. But that chair gave me back independence and a quality of life that I was desperately missing. It brought me healing.
Another small win was discovering my Ta-Da chair, a special cane with a seat that unfolds. With this special cane, I can sit whenever needed. I no longer have to fear standing in lines or otherwise being caught out with no place to sit.
Physical therapy is a small win when I’m able to do 10 reps on the standing hip abduction machine without nearly passing out. A small win is when I’m able to stand through preaching a whole sermon instead of sitting on my stool.
A small win was a recent short two mile hike. Now, admittedly, I had to pop out the Ta-Da chair, like a lot. But eventually I completed a beautiful two mile fall hike, something I didn’t think I’d ever get to do again.
I still have days when I feel lousy. But there are also some pretty good days. And I’m going to keep on scratching and clawing my way to hopefully finding longer term healing someday. But in the meantime, I hope that I’ll be able to find healing in the small wins. And I hope that you might too!
Longing for Healing by Theresa Johnson